Let me tell you the story of how a condom gave me, not the best, but one of the worst days of my life.
I used to share a room with my cousin, who, on this fateful Friday, left home in a hurry, for work. I was home all day and didn’t have to worry about anything, and i was bored, so i made a few calls, decided to meet my best friend, a girl, around ten that day. We’d been friends for years and i hadn’t seen her in a few weeks so of course i had to see her.
I had just finished changing, at around eleven, when my mother came knocking on my bedroom door. She has a thing for neatness, so i glanced at the other bed in the room to make sure it was made up properly, and my eye caught that unmistakeable shimmer of plastic. Instinctively, i dived for it, and grabbed it just as she opened the door.
“Here, hold this,” she handed me a bag. Because I was holding the contraband in my hand, i had to think fast, so i just shoved it in my pocket and brushed off the gesture as an impulsive move, to not draw any suspicion towards it. And successfully, it didn’t! I held the bag as she neatly folded the clothes she was taking to the dry cleaners (I don’t even understand that either) and followed her to her car. All this while she was talking incessantly, and i was just following behind listening, thinking it’d be a straightforward job: drop the bag, back in the house, put the rubber in a safe place and leave. Then she handed me her keys. Huh? Yeah! She always wants her car parked into and backed out of the garage every morning, something about “handina kuzvarira pasina.”
This is where i lost it, because in the annoyance of the moment, i completely and totally forgot about the illicit material i was carrying. I was late anyway so the moment i left her car, i ran straight into the house, grabbed my phone, cable and car keys and went to mine.
The journey across town to Tapiwa’s place is pretty long. If you know where i stay you probably understand the distance between Hillside and Home. That done, i need to delve into some family explanations.
I went to school with Tapiwa, and we’ve been friends since, and everyone at their house knows me, but not everyone likes me completely. Her brothers, twins, nice guys, but very protective, have sort of never really accepted that my unconditional affection for their sister was the same as theirs, like for like. They always assumed i was out to get something 🍪, when I can never even see her in that light. Her dad is super duper strict, like the superman of strict parents. He makes military dads look like amateurs…okay maybe i’m exaggerating for effect but you know what I mean.
So anyway, to avoid creating suspicions and complications, I couldn’t park outside so I drove in.
Tapiwa’s family had just procured two massive Boerboels, and there i am, walking to the front door, where Tapiwa was standing, and these huge beasts, massive animals, come tearing round the house, headed straight for me.
Fam, i will not hide this. it’s a proven fact that running, and running away are two entirely different disciplines. I RAN AWAY. Ndakatiza! straight into the house. I flew right past her, running for my life, wide strides and everythng, just to save my ass, literally and I found myself seconds later, in the lounge, on the floor, catching my breath, staring at the ceiling, while Tapiwa was having a gas. She was laughing so hard she fell to the floor too, and it was almost fifteen minutes before either one of us managed to breathe again and talk. of course the ensuing discussion was one sided, i was embarrased enough, but i ended up laughing at myself too.
Then i discovered i had ripped my jeans from the sudden sprinting to which she offered to sew them for me, temporarily, just so i could get around that day. So i had to take them off. I had boxer shorts underneath, no worries, it was pretty decent. She emptied my jeans pockets in her bedroom while we sat there: my wallet, phone were all in there, then she discovered the condom, whipped it out, looked at it for a moment, and started laughing at me, asking me all sorts of uncomfortable questions, before she put it down on there bedside table. She obviously didn’t believe my story.
Then the door opened. And it was at this moment that I realized, i was fucked.
Her brothers were home, and they were calling her name. they saw both our shoes in the lounge, where we had sat laughing at each other, and no one in the room. and with rage filling up, they ran straight to her room, and that’s the first thing they saw: the shiny coloured contraceptive, sitting there. i didn’t have a moment to think or act.
“Ndaizviziva!” I knew it! yelled one of them, “Nhasi tiri kuda kukuuraya mfana, mumba medu ndomawafungira kukweshera hanzvadzi yedu?” We’re going to kill you today, you seriously decided to..uuuhm, our sister in our own house?
“Wait, no, mirai, let me explain,” i tried to speak. Then one of them closed the door. I’m now scampering across the bed trying to get on my feet and get some space, my hands raised in a surrendering gesture but also trying to protect myself, and he came at me. He literally dived at me! I dodged, sidestepped in my shorts and different colour socks, when the second twin threw a ferocious left hook, but i ducked just in time. I was outnumbered. Tapiwa was just screaming, probably more confused than i was. I tried to grab my wallet, but there was no time, and then I remembered my car keys were in the lounge.
I slid into the passage, one leg up for balance, arms waving around, and, with little traction, raced into the lounge, grabbed my keys, jumped up and over the sofa, and out the door. thankfully the dogs weren’t there. Tapiwa managed to get to her senses and aid my escape, she just pressed the button and the gate opened. I was in the car in no time as the, now four beasts, came after me. time has never moved as slowly as it did then, while the gate was opening and the chaps were running at me. One of them threw a stone at me and smashed the rear window, while i jammed it in reverse and sped out.
I didn’t stop, I was running, my foot was down hard until I sped into the main road, to yet another disaster.
A Green reflector.
“Mukoma muri kumhanyira kupi?” Where are you rushing to? the police officer asked.
“Haaa, eeerm, Sorry mukoma wangu handina kuzviona ndiri kumhanya” I Apologized.
“Ndokumbirawo license” the dreaded question came
“Handina pandiri mukoma” it was in the wallet I had left at Tapiwa’s.
“Please park apo, and step out of the vehicle”
Part two, coming soon